I started my first job out of college this week. It’s not the job I thought I’d have last week or the week before. It’s not the role I’d been working towards or dreamed of the last few years. All my life I hated the color pink and here I am in a new office, my very own adorable little space, adorned with millennial pink doors and pink office tools running the gamut. The universe has a funny way of working.
When I graduated, I took time off for myself. I met with over 15 people-- mostly in the fashion editorial field from every digital site you could imagine-- seeking them out via google searches and Linkedin profiles. I accumulated an abundance of knowledge and sat on this huge heap of contacts and advice. I got rejected a million times over. I started freelancing and hunting down those contacts I made to write for them at the very least, if I couldn’t proverbially sit at their table. I started working for my dad a few days a week, what I deemed at the time the ultimate defeat. This was far from where I wanted to be. Being in wholesale, working under my father, was a future I swore I’d never fall privy to. I let myself follow a trajectory I didn’t lay out for myself, a plan of no plans. I ended up learning a thing or two sitting in on meetings with my father. I learned more about a work ethic and a business that sustains my family--until now I never saw or cared for its inner workings.
One week into my new job and I feel grateful to work for and with a group of women who are all inspiring leaders in their own right. I really think I can make a difference here. I’m learning and growing in a new environment but I’m still apprehensive about this new path carved for me. Again, this is not where I thought I’d be. I’m just shy of 23 and I’m trying to internalize the saying, ‘enjoy the process,’ or ‘you are exactly where you need be.’ But my attempts are falling short. I try not to be so hard on myself but when I compare myself to others who accomplished great feats at my age I wonder if my efforts are up to par. Am I doing enough? Will I ever be where I want to be? When I reach my destination will happiness be waiting for me on the other side? I am happy now, why can’t I let myself be happy even if it’s not where I thought I’d find it? If there's one universal piece of information I learned from the various editors I met with these last few months is that all their journeys were so different. That was the aspect I found most comforting.
Sometimes I get this panicky feeling deep in my gut whenever I look around and see people progressing in areas of life that I’m not. I know it’s not a race but I always feel this notion that everyone is moving in one direction and I in another. Like I’m still here exploring. I understand that at no age or stage in life does anyone fully figure things out, (whatever that elusive thing may be), but I can’t help but feel like I’ll constantly be chasing my next desire. I’m not sure how I’ll fair settling down into one path when I have so many interests and passions about so many things and ways of life. Settling into one path feels like a trap. I always like to find the nearest exit signs. I like change. And I like trying new things. And I like being open minded. Maybe happiness is an eternal risk. When we feel content in our happiness we jump ship to find another island that will provide us with happiness (or really, immediate gratification), until we feel content again and go searching for the next big thing.
I’ve come to realize that a lot of the panicky feelings I described above has a lot to do with how I think life is supposed to go. “Isn’t this how the story is supposed to end? Wasn’t I supposed to be an editor?" To which my best friend will tell me time and time again that nothing is ‘supposed’ to be and that I can’t force what isn’t. I’m not where I want to be in my career but for now I think I’ll try to enjoy the process.