GM: You know the book by Aziz Anzari, “Modern Romance”? There is an old lady named Amelia talking to Aziz Ansari about how she missed out on the whole freedom of being single in her young twenties and being able to date people because she got married very young. She says, “I think I missed a huge stage in my life, a stage where you go out with friends. I was never allowed to go out with friends, my father wouldn’t allow me, he was that strict. So I tell my grand daughters, ‘enjoy yourselves, then get married’..
Anzari replies, “Hopefully this does not lead to Amelia’s granddaughters doing a ton of ecstasy and telling their mom, “Grandma told me to enjoy myself, leave me alone!’”. Is ecstasy a thing?
FS:I think so!
SN:Oh, so that’s how we’re segwaying into the topic of summer parties?
FS:So um, the point of Grace’s quote is, if anyone wants to do ecstasy with me at the next summer party, meet me at the bar at seven PM sharp!
MM:That’s so early!
SN:C’mon, SY time!
FS:At 8! BYOE.
FS:Ecstasy, duh! I’m not providing for you sorry.
BA:I think what Grace also meant by that quote is we should go to parties and just enjoy ourselves. We’re young. But also to segway into our discussion, do people actually meet at parties? Do people get offered drugs at parties, like Grace mentioned earlier?
FS:I think I got drugged at the 90’s party!
BA:Someone told me that!
SN:It was meeee! Hi hello does anyone at this recording also thinks that?
FS:Attention readers, please confirm that there was something in the alcohol at the 90’s party because I’m not even joking something happened to me that night.
GM:Frieda got a little crazy guys!
FS:I got a little crazy!
MM:I just got back from Israel at the time, and I was too scared to be seen with a drink in my hand.
BA:Yes, oh my god, wait I want to talk about that!
MM:I cared so much.
BA:I want to harp on that point! The other day we were at a Saturday party and one of my friends was holding a drink in her hand, and this girl approached her and said, “Wait?! You drink?!?!?!?”-
FS:Keep in mind both these girls with drinks are twenty.
BA:Yeah, and my friends says “Wait, that’s a thing? That’s still a thing [that people are judgemental about drinking at parties]?”. Is that still a thing guys? We all have a drink at a party!
GM:It shouldn’t be a thing. What, was she saying “No this isn’t my drink, I’m holding it for a friend...”. Guys, it’s one thing to be 17 and drinking at a party--that’s scary behavior for a 17 year old--not scary, but a 17 year old drinking with a bunch of 20 year olds, we can see the 20 year olds saying to the 17 year old kid, “Okay, relax”. But at 20? To have the same mentality as when you were 17?
BA: By the way I realized that for every “jetty” party, there’s a more mainstream person’s party on Saturdays. Before a party we ask “Oh, is he jetty? Can I go to this party?”. It’s kind of sad because it shows the social hierarchy of our community. “Who’s inviting? Is it __(jetty last name)___? Oh, I can’t go to that one..”. I hate to even use the word jetty and use labels but that’s how we differentiate people in our community...
GM:You know what? I’m sorry, I don’t even want to be invited to these jetty parties. I don’t want to go to a party where people are going to judge me because they don’t know me from the time I was five years old. When you go to a party, you’re supposed to go and meet people, you go to enjoy yourself, you go to have a good time. It shouldn't always be for social climbing
SN:It’s weird, I’ve only been going to these parties for one year and I’m already bored of them. They’re very repetitive.
MM: It’ a lot of small talk with people you already know, you gotta meet new ones.
SN: Yeah I guess that’s why I didn’t like them so far because I already knew everybody at everything
MM:Yeah and I think everyone goes to these parties with a thing in the back of their mind like “I’m going and I will meet someone here”. My thing is that I don’t think you’ll meet a good guy at these things, the boys are not there for that.
FS:Define good guys!
BA:That’s not true though, I hate that generalization! Of course you can meet a good guy at a party. Also I hate that our parents think that you’re automatically going to meet someone at these parties. I mean, you could meet someone at these things. Someone was saying that some sunday parties are too clubby, but you can meet someone there.
FS:I think you can meet people at parties. It’s the same thing as a parent telling you, “Go to that wedding because maybe you’ll meet someone at a wedding!”
MM:I’ve never met anyone at a wedding
FS:I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone at a wedding. Even if it was a guy talking to a guy I was friends with, and he introduced me to his friend, I still don’t know this new kid I met, it’s not a talking setting. I feel like saturdays are more-
FS:Yeah, conducive, they’re more talking in a circle... There’s no music, there’s no pressure to dance, there’s no phones!
BA: Never thought about the no phones thing. Good point.
FS:Even if people have their phones on them, they’re not walking into the corner talking on the phone with their moms, snapchatting, instagram... There’s no BS filler, that’s what I like. I really appreciate that Saturday events are phone free zones. There’s an unspoken rule of thumb - no phones, even if you go to the less religious saturday parties and they are playing music and there are people walking around taking pictures with their phones, it’s not the overall atmosphere of the party.
GM:I don’t think people should be going into these Saturday parties thinking “I’m going to go get a date”. I think Saturday things are more of “I’m going to go socialize and meet people that I wouldn’t meet at anywhere else, that aren’t friends with my friends..” Then you go to weddings and I don’t know, you plan activities with these new friends, and you meet their friends- and you just meet new people, you expand your network.
FS:And also me personally, I’m not going to these things to look for a husband, I’m not planning on getting married anytime soon. So I’m not going to these things to scout out a husband, but I’m going to these things like Grace and Bonnie said, expand my network and my friend group, meet new people..
GM:But wouldn’t you say that most people are going to these things to get married?
FS:Yes, 100%. You can tell how much they want it by how little clothing the girl is wearing
MM:These girls dress to kill, it’s crazy!
GM:I mean, I wore wedges the other week and one of my friends killed me, she kept on killing me saying how te’il it looks. “Why are you being the biggest te’ileh, you’re wearing heels!!”, and I’m like, they go with my pants, they go with my outfit. I’m going to wear wedges because it looks good. This girl is so nervous that everyone will judge her if she wears wedges, ca’an anyone’s looking at you that’s first of all, who gives a crap if you wear wedges or flip flops, no body cares!!! All these girls are worried that they have to dress the part because they’re at the party and everyone is going to look at me..
MM:It’s so much fun to go to these parties with a guy you’re going out with.
GM:Millie, you’re kicked out of this conversation.
BA:Millie you're out, that’s it!
FS:Millie, you’re making me feel very uncomfortable right now
GM:That’s not an issue, like, “What do I do with my boyfriend right now at this party?”, shut up!
BA:I feel like when we say parties, the people reading this are expecting us to talk about THE parties. Do we want to discuss those parties. I know those are controversial and everyone has their opinions about them. Do we think anyone can meet someone at those parties?
FS:No, I don’t think it’s possible. Those scenes are get drunk, dance, hook up.
GM:Those parties are not about meeting people, those parties are about someone wants to show his house off, give his crew of friends a good time - but the point is that I want to get everyone and give them a time that they won’t forget.
FS:It’s all about, “Look how beautiful my house is, I have a single daughter”.
SN:I want to talk about what Millie was saying, walking into a party with a boyfriend. I want to talk about like what it means to show up, to walk into places with certain people, or walking around a party with a guy..
FS:That’s a good one.
BA:Or a girl who walks in alone, what does that mean?
FS:By the way is anyone actually looking who walks in with who or who’s walking around with each other?
GM:Frieda, you know how people talk “Oh my gawd, did you see this girl walking about with this boy....”
FS:But are people standing by the door writing down who walked in with who?!
SN:No, but people notice.
GM:You always hear people talking about if a girl walks in with a boy and want to know if they're dating.
BA:I once saw a girl with a boyfriend walk into a party alone and I thought they broke up but then I remembered he was just away.
GM:We just have a small town mentality.
FS:It’s very small town, everyone knows each other's business
GM:Frieda, you know that people care. You might not care, I might not care but most people care who they walk into and around with at parties.
FS:But I still think it's scary to walk around alone at parties. On the outside I might look fine, but on the inside I'm panicking. Not that I'm alone and everyone will judge me, it's just that I don't know where my friends are, and I need to know where they are in case I need a safety net.
GM:But that's what I love about parties, you are in that situation where it's like oh my god you're walking around and you lost your friend, and then you’re looking for that next face you know. I’ve literally done this, ill just like walk up to the guy next to me and say ‘nice shirt’. Boom now we’re friends!
GM:And the next time I see him it’ll be like “oh there's that kid, there’s that gazzy guy”. You have to get out of your comfort zone at some point, you gotta get out of highschool! You have to get out of that little group of people that you know. If it means having to risk looking a little dumb, and you have to look like, “Oh did that chick just approach me?” Just get the hell over it. Get over it. Girls can approach guys, guys can approach girls. we're all dating a very small pool of people, being shy gets you nowhere. we shouldn't judge each other for walking up to someone and just talking to him.
FS:I have more balls than half the men in this community.
GM: You really can’t talk to the same people every party. I had one summer where I was literally talking to the same five girls at every party. I told them, I felt like I’m dating you guys.
BA:Wait something that I also wanted to say was last summer Rebecca and I went to a party and we felt kind of uncomfortable like it “wasn’t our scene.” And when we left two girls walked in and they were freaking out, “Do I look okay? Oh my god just tell me if I look good!” And I realized we sound the same. Everyone is thinking the same thing! Not that everyone is insecure, or maybe everyone is insecure, i don't know. But everyone is thinking “Do I look okay.” It doesn’t matter where you are on the food chain.
FS:Everyone cares about how they look
GM:Everyone is hypersensitive about how they come off! It gets in the way of living!
BA: And that’s why there’s alcohol
GM: That’s why people get drunk at parties because we’re so constantly in the regular humdrum of life everyone’s so hypersensitive to how we come off and are people judging me and then you go to a party and you’re like omg I can’t everyone’s around me I have to have a drink
BA: I get social anxiety
GM: That is social anxiety and it’s sad because it gets in the way of actually meeting people and starting meaningful conversation
FS: I don’t think though the first time you meet someone you’re going to have a meaningful conversation
GM: I’ve definitely had that. I’ll be talking to someone and three minutes in i’ll be like why are we talking about the meaning of life. Like holy crap you’re my favorite person. That’s happened to me.
BA: 3 years ago when I used to go to the Fourth of July BBQ my friends and I would always be in the pool and now when you go to Saturday events I noticed only boys go in the pool mostly. Like I wanted to go in the pool at a Saturday event the other day I was talking to my guy friend and he said “There are going to be guys that think that way that you want attention but to me I’d think that girl’s cool she doesn’t give a fu**”
GM: I hear that it’s that back and forth. Like you could potentially marry one of these people let me give it a shot I need to represent myself and represent my family
FS: Grace you just sounded like Mulan, you want to “represent your family.”
GM: But then I see these girls in their late 20’s thirties that aren’t married yet and I’m like why should I care. So If people don’t get married till their mid twenties or late twenties should I sit here the next four years modeling my behavior constantly because someone might see me and want to date me but then.. You can’t think like that.
SN:I like those events like that art battle thing
GM: You mean the Sephardic Community Alliance Israel Group?
BA: Total advertisement right there.
FS: This podcast is sponsored by the Sephardic Community Alliance
SN: But I like that single’s gaze because I think we need cooler things like that to meet people
FS: With alcohol
GM: I think it’s because we need more things to celebrate. We go to the same parties week after week, what are we celebrating? Oh, the pizza that his mom made ya no? Like what are we celebrating? The Yom haatzmaut party was so successful like Shelly was saying because we were all celebrating something and you bring people together… the point is there’s a reason for you to be here.
SN: I like events. I think events in general are nice. We need more of those.
BA: I don’t think people don’t meet at parties. I just personally would meet someone at an event opposed to someone else who would meet someone at a party.
GM: Bottom line is if you go somewhere and people are not comfortable in the setting.. Like you can go to a Saturday party that your friend is throwing. Like Frieda if you threw a Saturday party and had a 100 people over your house--
BA: You had a party Frieda?
FS: Yeah, sorry I didn’t invite you, you didn’t make the cut.
GM: No, IF she had a party. I would have the best time because she’s my friend. So it all depends on the atmosphere of the party and who’s throwing it.
BA: Whether we like to admit it or not, we all have a secret motive before we go into a party. People going to a ___ party are not saying, “This is where I’m going to meet my wife there.”
SN: That’s what I hate about the bracelets gaze. Because you’re stopping people from coming…
GM: It’s very elitist
BA: No it’s because the guy who throws it only wants his friends to come and doesn’t want it getting out of hand
FS: I think the bracelet thing is disgusting. Well not disgusting but it’s rude. But I also like to think, what’s the other side of the story?
SN: It makes sense, they’re trying to keep out the trash
FS: What they think the trash is
GM: But are you guys trash?
BA: They wouldn’t care if we got in. Once you’re in they won’t tell you to leave.
FS: But you’d feel that way because the crowd doesn’t know you
SN: From outside the community people always bug out about these parties.
FS: Because they are they’re insane. They’re very lavish. We’re so privileged. Why do I have three parties a weekend, why?
BA: I love it
SN: I love it
GM: I love it. I’m happy that I have a social life two months a year like Gddamn it. We need it.
BA: I have no social life during the year. I wait for my social life during the summer.
MM: Once I heard in a Rabbi’s speech that a single girl’s worst nightmare is the day after labor because if she didn’t meet anyone basically…you have to wait till next year to meet someone.
BA: I said that already in a different post. It’s true though. Easier to meet people in the summer.
SN: Basically he was saying after those weeks the pressure is on. It’s the end of the summer.
GM: Yea well it’s too bad I only have two outfits.
BA: speaking of outfits, do you guys plan out your outfits for everything like I do?
MM: No, I don’t
SN: I do I get very into it. Not for other people. I don’t feel comfortable going to these things unless I love what I’m wearing.
FS: I just wear shorts… a tank top… and sandals.
GM: I think it’s funny how everyone judges each other’s clothing.
BA: That’s me. I judge what people wear. But that’s just me.
GM: We all try so hard thought to be the most casual. I feel like 10 years ago people were like what heels are you wearing and what mini skirt are you wearing? Sharp little outfits. And now it’s who could look the most casual but you know she bought that ripped tank top from Bloomingdale’s second floor.
But it’s like a ripped fucking tank top! Pardon my french.
BA: I saw a ripped tank top at Twist for $140. Like if you’re gonna spend $140 dollars, don’t spend it on I-Want-to-Look-Casual wear.
GM: It’s funny we’re judging people’s outfits so much and we’re judging who looks like they don’t care more.
BA: Well, everyone knows I put in effort into what I’m wearing. I love dressing up. I don’t know how to be casual.
MM: I don’t judge your outfit. If you stick out I may inadvertantly judge how slutty you look...It sounds mean but--
SN: I hate the crop top with the short shorts and gladiators
MM: No. It’s like if you have crop tops and short shorts just pick one. You can’t wear both.
SN: Guys I think gladiator shoes should all be burned like all of them. All of them.
FS: Gladiator shoes looked so bad when the Romans were around. Why do you think they’ll look good now?
GM: They’re probably so uncomfortable I’d scratch my leg all day long.
BA: I have gladiators. G-d guys!
SN: We’ll make one big fire tomorrow night. You burn your gladiators and I’ll burn--
BA: Your striped shirts!!!!
BA: Some girls at parties you could tell they look...desperate? I want to find a nicer word....Help me with this one guys.
FS: Like you know they’re there to find husbands
SN: You could tell by what they’re wearing
GM: What should they do then, not come to parties?
FS: No just cover up and don’t look desperate
GM: Okay so here’s a real question. You think the more skin a girl shows, the more clear how desperate she is?
BA: I don’t agree. How does what I wear show how desperate I am. I wear what I want for me and if I show skin it’s not because I’m desperate.
SN: But like Bonnie when you dress in cool outfits they’re not like sniut but at the end of the day you’re not dressing like a slut
Sn: At the end of the day the girls dressing like sluts are desperate for boy’s attention and they think that will bring them in and then like oh now look at my personality
GM: Sometimes it’s there mom’s who encourage them to dress that way. “That’s not sexy enough!” *syrian mom’s accent*
FS: But on the topic of summer parties, My absolute favorite thing to do at these summer parties is not go to the corner, but go to the edge of the ring and put on my sunglasses that you can’t see my eyes and then people watch.
GM: But that’s like fun for like 10 minutes.
FS: Wait listen listen I’m bringing applying it all together. I don’t think I’m alone staring at people at parties and I think like you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover. But that’s all you can do at these parties. I’m not walking around shaking everyone’s hands saying, “Hello my name is Frieda what do you believe in?
GM: “What are your political views?”
FS: I don’t usually look at what the girls are wearing even it’s more like the guys like if you’re wearing flip flops get away.
GM: But you wear flip flops to these parties sometimes!
FS: I’m a girl. Feminism.
FS: I’m kidding I’m kidding
GM: Double standards Frieda!
FS: But I think what we were saying before about what the girl’s wear to these parties means a lot because--
GM: People aren’t walking up to her and asking what she thinks of the president
FS: Yeah no ones asking what everything good about you is. No one’s doing that
FS: You need to care what you look like. I’m more on the casual side, Shelly yells at me for what I wear if I don’t dress up to the parties
SN: Not that you don’t dress up just you looked so good in the outfit last week
FS: But I don’t feel dressed up I just feel like--
GM: Like a cupcake
FS: I felt very fake in the outfit.
FS: I wanted to tie up my point about caring what you look like, but you kind of have to care what you look like because that’s all people can judge you on because the boys in our community have no balls and they're not going to come up to you.
GM: This is true, they have no balls
FS:They won’t come up to you unless you're dressing slutty, so maybe those girls that look desperate have a point AND MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE NOTES FROM THEM! End of story!
And it’s also why should I have to be forward at these things?
BA:Because we just said, the boys are not forward!
GM:You’re an extrovert
FS:I’m an extrovert when I’m comfortable in small settings. But at these parties I become the shyest
GM:But to be an extrovert at these parties you need to jump in a pool or something
GM:And you’re not going to do that
BA:Some people who make these parties, I feel like they’re just trying to buy friends OR--
GM:Well I don’t want to judge
BA:Well not everyone, but there are people who make these parties because their mom wants them to get married and sell them off?
MM:Yeah, coming out parties
GM:Yeah but there's nothing wrong with that. If someone doesn't have anything going on and her parents are willing to spend money on the alcohol and the food, why not?
BA:But I’m saying is that a thing, I don't know?
GM:You don’t think it's bad?
BA:Do you see anyone with a boyfriend having one of these parties?
FS: That girls approaching boys and boys approaching girls. Let’s get back to that point.
BA: But also these syrian boys could come up to you and it could come off as creepy
GM: No but if a guy came up to me at a party and said some kind of cute comment to me, I’m sorry but it's not creepy to flirt. This is what is it, guys have it in their heads that if I don't know a girl and her friends since we were in high school, or if I don't know her because we don't have any kind of connection, then it would be weird for me to walk up to her. In the real world people come up to people all the time!
GM: A majority of the time! It’’s always the outliers of the party who come up to you and flirt with you, or the Deal boys
SN:Okay so that's why I-
GM:That’s why you have a different mentality. Deal boys will approach a girl no problem
BA:That’s so funny you're right
GM: Syrian boys? I can see the same guy at every party, I know his name and I know his face but I’ll never have a conversation with him in my life. We can see each other for years and keep seeing each other’s faces and never say a word to each other.
FS: You’re right
GM: I can see him in Bangladesh thirty years from now and be like *makes eye contact and looks away*
MM: Something that’s very interesting about the Syrian community is the social culture that I realized after coming back from a year in Israel spending time with a bunch of ashkis is that no one says “Hi my name is Millie Marcus”. I was meeting all these guys and shaking all their hands “Hi my name is-
FS: JOSH, all their names are Josh!
MM:Oh my god they're all Josh!
GM: Every ashki kid’s name is Josh! Like Josh Goldman!
Do you think it’s a culture of being too timid?
MM: No I think it's a culture of being a network.
FS: Yeah everyone thinks they know each other.
SN: And especially with social media, yeah!
BA: Last week I was at a party and I saw a guy and I wanted to talk to him, I thought he was cute. But there was an issue, first of all I didn't know who he was, I didn't know his name...And I think crews and social hierarchy or whatever you want to call it, really has to do with who you're dating and who you approach at parties. And when I saw this group of people, I’m like I don't know if I should go up to him because if he’s a jet, I’m not just going to go up to him.
FS: We sound like we’re in the Upper West Side Story.
SN: Why can’t he be cool and super whatever jetty and why can’t you talk to him? You want to be treated normally by these people then you treat them the same. Why is it weird that I can’t go up to you.
BA: I can talk to him I just can't date him. You date the people within your social class. It's not a bad thing it's just imminent.
FS: I have great advice that I’ve done and it works
BA: Let’s hear it!
FS: What I like to do is if I’m at the bar and I see a guy I have a crush on i’d make eye contact and say what do you want? I get them a drink. Because then listen, they hand you a drink and then you have to have conversation with you.
BA: But that’s at the bar. That’s easier interaction if let’s say he’s not at the bar. Creeps lurk at the bar too. The bar is like the hot spot even at weddings. Let’s say he’s NOT AT THE BAR though. He’s just chilling in the middle of the dance floor.
FS: Ask him what he’s drinking
MM: You know that game where you walk past them 30 times
FS: I love the “can I get you a drink.” I love switching gender roles. Traditional gender roles.
BA: I think Frieda’s right. Mom’s are telling their girls to dress the part like we were talking about before. They encourage their girls to walk around and expect to just be hit on because they’re attractive. What mom’s should be teaching their daughters is how to approach boys. And that it’s okay to approach boys. Switch gender roles and maybe you’ll meet someone at these parties if that’s your goal.