The girl to guy ratio in my friend group is an estimated 2 to 8—the latter of the numerical values denoting the guys and the former denoting my friend and I, the so called “Jess and Cece” of the group. I was led to believe I had a pretty cool social structure throughout high school, but when guy’s night out rolled around this summer my friend list came up short. So Cece and I, (I made her Jess because her bf looks exactly like Nick), ended up sitting like middle-aged housewives sipping wine by my Jacuzzi as if we were waiting for our husbands to come home. And I, a big believer in not waiting on anybody refused to desperately pick up the phone after our guy friends made it clear there would be no girls at this only guy’s night. I.e. Beer pong and Fart jokes. Unless movie culture completely screwed with my mind and what they’re really doing is talking about their feelings.
Aside from guy’s night and other obvious downsides like catching feelings or having to divide your time between the guy you’re seeing and them, there are quite a few upsides to having many guy friends:
1: The Wing Man/Woman Effect:
Being a Wing Woman really tests your womanly charm. Point being, I really suck at it. On many occasions my guy friends have asked me to be their Wing Woman and on every occasion I’ve failed. It got to the point where they’d avoid me at parties after we walked in together, because I was “holding them back from meeting girls.”
You’re probably thinking, “She’s THE worst.” BUT last week I met someone who was even worse than me.
In between agreeing to go with one of my girl friends to a bar last week for someone’s birthday and agreeing with that same friend that it was time to leave said bar because essentially we were at a Bar-Mitzvah-frat-party screaming over One Direction lyrics and sipping on solo cups, a rando girl approached me.
“Oh my Gd! Were you on Birth Right last year? I totally recognize you!” She asks. I wasn’t in the mood to schmooze, and was silently cursing my blatantly Jewish appearance. I really was on birth right last year though, do I pretend to remember her?
“I don’t remember you!” I say. Fake toothy smile.
“OMG! Maybe my friend will remember you! I’m going to go get him.” She runs and gets her guy friend.
After a series of one liners, small talk, and Oh My Gd's, she asks, “So what was your favorite part?” Of Birth right? Jesus, are we still talking about this? I don’t remember you. Or your friend. “Oh I don’t know… the camels?” I respond. The conversation slowly dissipates and they walk away. I watch the guy walk back to the rest of his friends with a thumb down saying, “I couldn’t get with her. She didn’t get it.”
Using birth right as a mechanism to wing woman your Jewish guy friends at bars?! Can’t use that one at an SY party now can you?
There was supposed to be an upside to this: Upside is even if you’re a bad wing woman or bad wing man, at least you’re seen with someone at a party who is of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean you have any game (clearly), it just makes you look more appealing and approachable (in my opinion). And extra points if the opposite sex you’re with is good looking!
2: Pretending He’s Bae:
Some guys just don’t get the hint. They don’t even get the truth. They don’t even understand that one word responses and exclamation mark free texts mean She’s Just not That into You. So when you’ve already said your cat died on one occasion and you’re busy building legos with your niece on another, tell the persistent guy that’s on your case next time that you have a boyfriend. The following convo for realz happened:
Persistent guy: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Me: My boyfriend is coming to pick me up now; we’re going to lighthouse.
Persistent guy: I saw a guy last week at the party to-ing you all night.
Me: Yep! That was my boyfriend.
Persistent guy: I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!
**Never texts me again**
You say boy friend, he says boyfriend affirming he understands to back off. You’re now on the same wavelength.
Another scenario would be to pretend he’s your husband/boyfriend to get into a party. It really happened. Husbands are the new bracelets.
3: You can ask them guy things:
“Do guys know if a girl is wearing makeup?”
“ If you were my boyfriend and saw me in this outfit would you think I look hot?”
“Red dress or purple dress? Or does it not matter?”
“What’s it take for him to notice me!” *Crying emoji*
“ Are guys going to care that I’m a mess? Like you’ve seen what my wallet looks like and you always look horrified.”
“Can you please be my date? Or at least pretend you’re with me? Fine you can just stand beside me."
“Did I say anything stupid last night when I was drunk? Cmon you would tell me if I ranted about you-know-who."
“Do you guys read my blog or do you just say you do the way you say you’re going to miss the Mets game to hang out with me when we both know that’s total BS.”
“ If all my girl friends get hitched before me, will you be my bridesmaid? Or will you marry me by the time we're 40?