If I Were To Tell You The Goddamn Truth

By: Anonymous

I guess I'm really not a nice sweet girl. I have prey and I stalk them out, I know exactly how to get under someone’s skin, I know how to make them crazy. How angry I used to get at he who shall not be named for doing this. It’s because he gave me a taste of my own medicine.

Men. I promise them the world on a platter. I can at once make them feel so happy, happier than they've ever been. I can make them see a future with me, filled with laughter and children and delicious foods, adventure, love....and I pull the rug out from under them every time. I haven't gotten into anything serious lately. I didn't want to keep doing it to people. I could have gotten somewhere with guy x. I could have put in the effort and tried to love him. I didn't bother. From our second date, I knew how it would end. He'd love me and want me and all I'd be able to see was his small income and easy-to-take-advantage of personality and I'd just fillet him in the end. I know now that he's sad, but he should count himself lucky that I didn't try to get back in touch with him. My father told me when I was a girl that they'd be lining up down the block to date me - I didn't know how true his words would be and how terrifying my own power. I've broken at least 6 hearts. I've let people down; I've made grown men cry. It’s at once aged me and humbled me. It's given me a buoyancy of control that I never wanted. It scares me and hurts me but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to be good again, to want the good boy, to be able to be honest with him. At times I am beyond love. I feel like a jaded truth teller: there is no love. Only, maybe, compatibility and the luck of circumstance. So many people, all chasing what they’ve been told is love. Or they’re chasing passion, the phantom cousin of love that fades away so quickly, you wonder how it is you've spent your whole life wanting it.

It could be my own problem of wanting the challenge. When I know a man wants, and says it- I lose my sense of honor. As though I weren't meant to be wasted on someone who isn’t going to challenge me - but I know how childish that is. You think I don’t know how silly, how stupid that sounds? Shouldn't I just want a good man, who will provide for me and make me happy? Who will give me children and a home? Not someone like he who shall not be named, who for god sakes became a truck driver. But sometimes your heart speaks to you in ways you wished it wouldn't. You wish it could just catch up to the logical conclusions of your brain. Alas, it doesn't and almost two years later I'm still dreaming about the boy who took hold of me, who possessed me and tore me apart. The only man I had never lied to, who I was completely and totally myself with. With hindsight I pretend it was a madness that took hold of me, it was my naiveté at what he could do to me. Bullshit.

Hadn’t I had enough experience to know what the “proper thing” was? Was I possessed? I knew the danger. I didn't care what he wanted from me, I couldn’t even ask. I didn't care that he was offering me nothing. I just knew that I had to be with him and my sick heart was after him for so long that I couldn't see past it. True passion never dies it just finds a way to tuck itself under the covers, it finds its way to smolder within you, always aching and pulling at you in a little way that you can just barely live with.

So no, I’m not really nice and I’m not really sweet. I think it is human to be passionate, to be wrong, to do things that are rebellious. We must all have one or two stories in our lives where we felt real and true passion. Fire in the blood - as French author Irene Nermirovsky has put it. In her famous novel of that title, Honrey, a lonely old man, gets angry at Helene - the woman whose virginity he took - when she pretends in her middle age to not remember, to not even think, to not even consider who she used to be when she had had that one moment of secretive passion in her entire life.

Now she is a respectable married woman, passion long ago forgotten. He poses the question - who knows the real woman, the lover or the husband? I laughed out right when I read that sentence - because no one knows the real woman. Open me up and you will see, I’m a gallery of broken hearts. The real woman? She doesn't exist for anyone. She only exists within herself. It's when she wakes up each morning and looks in the mirror, really looks and knows that she will have to spend one more entire day, smiling, faking, pretending to be amused, pretending to be a charming girl. But within her lies despair, hanging like a wrung out, damp towel. For to be a woman means you must want security, must want a respectable reputation, must want a good man and a good family - but it may come at the expense of your life’s true passion, if it even exists.

As much as the modern world would like to have us forget, we do have ticking time bombs attached to our uterus’s and do not have the luxury of spending an eternity waiting for love. Men do not have this dilemma. Men can romp the world free of worry or a need for stability for at least a lifetime until they decide they want to settle down. And by then they may have tasted all the passion the world had to offer. But women. Ah, women. We can’t lest we get branded, lest we desire ridicule upon ourselves. Lest we forget that our family’s reputations are at stake. So go ahead and marry the lawyer, the doctor, the graying and boring accountant. The men of passion, the romping men, the free men - they’ll never give you the stability the world says you need. But the poor accountant. He’ll never make you sweat.

Tick

Tick

Tick.

Why I Write

Intro from Joan Didion’s Why I Write

From the New York Times Magazine, December 5, 1976:

“Of course I stole the title from this talk, from George Orwell. One reason I stole it was that I like the sound of the words: Why I Write. There you have three short unambiguous words that share a sound, and the sound they share is this:
I
I
I
In many ways writing is the act of saying I, of imposing oneself upon other people, of saying listen to me, see it my way, change your mind.”

Quote from Why I Write

I was introduced to Joan Didion my sophomore year of college. I didn’t actually meet her—that would be a long stretch and way, way out of my literary league. Rather, I should say, I was introduced to her work and the nuances between her earlier memoir pieces and modern day masterpieces. It was during my sophomore non-fiction creative writing class when I first heard her name. It was deemed to be one I should have known by then in my early twenties. I heard of no such name at that point in my life. It was during that same semester that I knew I wanted to be a writer. I couldn’t say it out loud— writer— it sounded so fake, so far-fetched. After all I didn’t actually want to be a writer, the likes of Joan Didion and other prolific novelist’s careers did not seem appealing to me. No, I did not want to be an author; I did not want to write a book. I wanted to be an editor. There, that sounded more professional, more legit. What truly makes someone a writer, anyways? When I published my first article for a renowned magazine site I then felt worthy enough to call myself a writer. Even now it sounds like a cop-out. “What do you do?” “I’m a writer.” Cringe. 

But back to Joan. If I truly wanted to be a writer, an editor, put pen to paper, however you want to call it, I thought it was only fair to dive head first into the sea of literary geniuses. My unworldly mind suddenly became privy to Sylvia Plath’s mental plight, and Margaret Atwood’s dystopian worlds, and Gloria Steinem’s revolutions. After I read Joan’s Year of Magical Thinking I felt…. Dare I say, smarter? I felt like my dinner conversations and work conversations held more depth. A fellow poetry enthusiast took me to the greatest library goldmine I’ve planted my feet upon to date—Strand book store—and sat with me on the floor reading aloud passages from Plath’s Ariel. I left that day with Margaret Atwood’s Handmaid’s Tale and an empty vessel I wanted to fill with newfound knowledge of the greatest women writers of our time. I loved poetry too, as much as I loved prose, but I couldn’t name a single poet. I didn’t know any writers and I didn’t know any poets and I felt like a fraud. I sat in the library during finals week and read through Shakespeare’s 154 sonnets not because I particularly liked Shakespeare but because I didn’t feel worthy enough otherwise to say I loved poetry. Can an artist say they love art if they can’t name a single artist? Can an athlete say they love sports and not name a single player?

Every writer I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing (whether that be through their work, which often times makes you feel like you truly know a person, or through an actual verbal encounter), has felt like a fraud at some point in their career. Joan certainly felt the throes of imposter syndrome when she walked into elite parties and wondered why she was there. When I read a person’s writing, from the back of a cereal box or a headliner on the WSJ, (I will read anything I can get my hands on),I instinctively critique the words plastered before me. I'm my own worst critic when it comes to my own writing. When someone says I'm a good writer, a part of me thinks they're just saying that to be nice. I don't fully digest their words to be authentic. I was at a party this weekend when someone asked me how long it takes me to write and edit a piece. I answered by telling her I write, and whatever comes out, comes out as is. I rarely edit save for grammatical errors or word usage and even then I'm not so thorough because I look at it as my own raw stream of consciousness. And when my writing is actually critiqued, even when I ask for it ("you need to be careful of your tenses" "stop using cliches" "read your piece out loud to yourself" "writing is like a muscle, keep working on it"), I question my abilities even more. Am I good enough? The two overarching sentiments I feel fall under, “I write better than her/him” or “He/She writes better than me.” It’s difficult for me to look at my work, as it’s own stand-alone island, when I’m constantly comparing my work to others. I either feel my writing is worthy or not worthy. I can’t tell whether or not my writing is good objectively when to me it’s subjective matter. I just know when it feels right or when it feels wrong. 

I started writing when I was 10. My fourth grade teacher, Miss Fish, assigned the class our first essay and when into rudimentary detail about what an essay entails. My first fiction piece was about my younger self, standing by the door in the darkness waiting for my mother to come home. I got lauded for the piece so much so that I was sent to the principal’s office. Me, the trouble maker I was at the time entered his office and reflexively said, “what did I do this time?” I couldn’t afford another call home to my parents. “We are so impressed by you. This piece is on a high school level.” Phew. I still have a letter of praise from Miss Fish telling me I’ll be famous one day. (Hardly, but the sweet accolades have definitely kept my writing going through the years.) They ended up featuring my piece in the 8th grade newsletter. Since then, writing and I have been attached by the hip. 

So, back to the age old question: Why do I write? I’m no George Orwell or Didion, but I could imagine like them I feel a sense of urgency to put pen to paper. Like I mentioned in a previous piece, writing is my drug. I explain the euphoric feeling that washes over me when I enter the world of words. “As soon as pen hits paper I feel transfixed. I get so caught up in the English lexicon; it never ceases to fascinate me. Words are my cocaine. Syllables and adjectives and hyphen’s are my euphoria. Idioms and platitudinous proverbs are my high. I snort my words like they’re freshly lined up, waiting for me to breathe in. It gives me life.” 

For me, words were always the most exciting thing in the world. I never thought my zest for the english lexicon can turn into a hobby let alone translate into a career. I put it aside for years, leaving this activity for journal entries and academic essays. But every time I took a writing class throughout high school and college, I was never so sure about anything than I was with the worlds sprawled before me. I write because it gives me purpose, it gives me a voice. It gives other people a voice that don’t have the words, don’t have the strength to say what they’re feeling. My biggest writing regret is not saying less-- it's not saying more. 

 Like Joan said writing is very narcissistic. Truth be told, I write mostly for myself.

I

I

I

I guess I really am trying to impose my views on others. Make people feel. Open up a can of worms. Be relatable. Make an impact. Let people in. Be vulnerable. Share a common space with others. What I find most interesting is how innate writing came to me. We’ll never know where  we’ll find passion if we don’t try. If we never pick up a pen or a paintbrush or enroll in a theatre class. What if I was assigned an essay later in life? Would that shorten my years finding meaning in what I love most? I could call my passion innate but that would discredit my great-grandfather who wrote love poems to my great-grandmother and their son, my grandfather, who wrote love poems to my grandmother. 

Could writing be in my blood? Is that why I write? 

Reyking Havoc in Reykjavik

Okay okay okay. We can’t deny having had the time of our lives traveling Iceland. (photo evidence can prove that). But pictures aren’t always worth a thousand words; sometimes you need a good ole’ itinerary to really make you feel all the vicarious feels you're looking for. Sara, fellow traveler, culled different itineraries (we really liked the one that said to grab beers and bitches) and curated ours to *perfection*. Everything went so smoothly (until we came home to find a $500 speeding ticket land in our emails.) 

can't even tell you what this speeding ticket says

Scratch that travel itch and start packing your bags!

Before the Trip:

Reina, Sara, and I were sitting around my jacuzzi in the beginning of the summer speaking of potential destination spots, not even seriously planning a trip when Richie and Ezra (shoutout for making our travel dreams a reality guys), told us about this magical place called Iceland. Fast forward a few weeks and we were booking a plane ticket to that very place. Note: We booked and planned everything just shy of two weeks before we boarded the plane. 

Summer Packing List Essentials:

Layers on layers on layers. The famous Icelandic slogan goes, “You don’t like the weather? Wait 5 minutes.” We prepared for rain, heat, and cold all in one day. 

Hat and gloves
Eye mask (there is only 4 hours of darkness during the summer day. You’ll be experiencing 21 hours of day light.)
Hiking boots (Reina will contest to this and is currently writing a strongly worded review on yelp about why you don’t need em’ but I think these are way more sturdy than sneakers for volcano caves and glaciers).
Rain pants and rain jacket cuz rain
All the medicine, ALL OF IT (we got sick AF there but also it was my fault but also weather change y’know?)
Leave sleep at home. You won’t be needing that.
Sweaters! T-shirts! Long-sleeves! Layers are your friend. 
Bug spray (hiking)
A reusable water bottle (the water there is so clean you can drink it from the ground basically which is what we did when we went glacier hiking/ snorkeling)

Jacq wins award for most layers 

Day 1, Thursday August 3rd: 

Jacq and I flew from Newark while Sa and Reina flew from JFK but we all landed the same time @ Kevlavik airport. Our Icelandair plane ticks weren’t on the cheap but hey, it was tourist season. We didn’t fly with WOW air b/c they add on fees such as your actual seat, water, luggage, breathing air etc. It would’ve came out to the same price as Icelandair essentially. 

Fun fact: Iceland is a popular stopover country, they will basically let you stop over for 24 hours for free. 

Another fun fact: Jacq and I got a free leg room upgrade and free extra luggage space b/c Jacq is a sweet talker and I want to travel with her always and forever and I will probably bring her with me on my honeymoon just so I can get extra leg room. 

Landed at 6am (2am NY time) Took free shuttle bus from airport to car rental
Picked up car rental which we booked in advance from Cars Iceland website
Dropped off luggage at air bnb which was dirt cheap and 15 minute walk from the main Reykjavik town so we never really needed cabs
Road tripped the Golden circle including: Thingvellir, Geyser erupting, Gulfoss waterfall, Fridheimar (an indoor greenhouse cafe where everything on the menu is made of tomatoes),  skogafoss waterfall, Seljavallalaug (a man-made hot spring where we made some friends from Montreal), and Seljalandsfoss waterfall. 
Clearly ^^ we got really ambitious and went to see everything. Hence, we arrived home at 12am. Exhaustion levels 100.
Along the way we stopped on the open green road to make friends with the breathtaking horses and sheep and take yogi pics of Jacq. 

Day 2, Friday August 4th:

Happy birthday Jacqueline!!

Eternally grateful for free shots

Sa bought birthday crowns and a bunch of other cute stuff which got us all lots and lots of free shots at the bar. Pro tip: Wear a birthday crown every time you got to a bar. EVERY TIME. 

We did the Kerio crater today which is part of Golden Circle because we didn’t get to it the day before. 
***A MUST** Hiked the Hot river trail Reykjdalur (a hike leading to a natural hot spring). Most magical enchanting place; def was high on nature and geyser fumes. 

Bar night out: Shabbat started at 10:40pm and ended 12:40am. We went to B5! It was popping! We got home at 6am after roaming the city and sitting out on the water. We were also chased by a lady who claimed she would cut our hands off if we did not run for our lives. Hence, we ran for our lives.. 

B4 we were B5

Day 3, Saturday August 5th:

Cantaloupe smiles :) 

In my happy place <3

Lunch @ Laundromat Cafe. Chic lunch spot with laundromats to do your laundry, (We did not do our laundry, we used one towel the whole trip. We are barbaric.) They encourage “Babies and Boobies” AKA breastfeeding. They even have a whole playroom downstairs.
Free walking tour around the city. Cool history stuff! 
Went up the Hallgrímskirkja church which is the highest view point in the city.
Sat. night out: Austere night club woooooooo. What’s cool is you get there and it’s daylight and you leave and it’s daylight and I just love day light don't you just LOVE daylight?!?!

P.s: Todd, if you're out there we are sending our love.

When a real life elf takes your picture

Squad pic ft. Yosef

Day 4, Sunday August 6th: 

My under eye bags are having a ball 

Exhausted but we keep on, keepin’ on! 
Realized we booked this tour for tomorrow after waiting outside for a bus that never showed. SO we payed a billion dollars to cab our way to the tour’s next stop. Fun times!
South tour of glacier hiking with the tour bus!
Glacier hiked Sólheimajökull glacier
Walked Black sand beach of Reynisfjara
Sunday night: Bar hopped and heard live music. Ran into some hipster club, wish I knew the name. 

 

Day 5, Monday August 7th:

Strange human walks the land of fire and ice

Emerges out of 30 degree water unscathed 

Snorkeling in Silfra and Volcano caves. 
The water was so clear and clean that no fish inhabited it/we were able to drink the water. 
Night: Reina finally got her fish and chips we are so thankful for that. We stared at her eat and then got waffles in town. 

THE ONlY ONE IN THE WORLD. Yeah you read that correctly. 

Looking like the boy next door on our casual night out. Got zero digits. 

Day 6, Tuesday August 8th:

Blue lagoon. Off to the airport! :( :( Thanks for having us Iceland, you rock!

Email me for our full itinerary/any Q's: Bonazoulay@gmail.com

FYi Still can't pronounce our street name but missing home :(

Making locals feel uncomfortable 

90's rock band album cover 

IBM Internal Strategy Consultant

The last time I really saw Shelly vis-a-vis was about a year ago on the streets of Midtown through a series of quick greetings we exchanged hastily in passing. As we passed each other in New York Hustle fashion, I wondered where in the world she was going this time. She always seemed to be running somewhere or running something. The time before that we saw each other at a mutual friend’s house where we spoke about our trajectory at that point in the dark abyss-- AKA our career paths. She was at a political affiliated non-profit and knew she would veer off that path once the semester ended to try something new.

The time before that during our freshman year of college, I distinctly recall a conversation she initiated with me about feminism when I barely knew what feminism was. She spoke about how slowly but surely we were progressing as a community and moving in a direction of positive change as far as equality goes. And if Facebook counts for anything the way it does in the media world, I saw her pop up on my feed graduating from Barnard College with the highest academic honor, Phi Beta Kappa, and taking a respite to travel until she started her job as an Internal Strategy Consultant at IBM. The common thread weaved into all those conversations led back to her role as a leader. Every time I saw her she was voicing her opinion and acting as a pioneer for social change. I caught up with her IRL and wasn’t surprised that she was killing it out in the real world. Read about her role as an IBM Consultant, below!

College/Internship Experience:

I went to Barnard College, which is the women's college of Columbia University, and I majored in Urban Studies and concentrated in Political Science. Often times, people ask me what Urban Studies is so just to explain: It's basically the social science related academic study of cities...How you plan cities from a political perspective, social perspective, or economic perspective. That was my major. And although I knew that I really loved urban studies and politics, because I loved the idea of planning cities, studying people and really everything about the major, I did feel that it wasn't something that I was going to pursue as a career after college. And that's because a lot of the jobs in that field are typically government related or non-profits, and I had worked at a nonprofit my sophomore year, where I realized that kind of environment wasn't where I truly wanted to be. The next summer, I ended up working in real estate, which was a really great experience, but unfortunately too narrowly focused on real estate, which I also wasn’t convinced that I wanted to pursue. I later fell into the idea of consulting, which was appealing to me because the concept behind consulting is that you work on a wide variety of projects every few months, and essentially you work in teams to solve problems...The idea that I wouldn’t have to commit to this one particular focus area was very appealing to me...I wanted more of a learning experience, and so I interned at a consulting firm last summer to test the waters.

Hobbies outside of academics?

One of my biggest hobbies outside of academics, during my freshman and sophomore year of college, was called Camp Kesem. Essentially, it was a week long summer camp that we as Columbia students put together, which was free for children whose parents have been affected by cancer. They are the “invisible” victims of cancer. I was a development director so I ran all of our fundraising efforts. I was also in a sorority (laughs) which was great for me too; I actually networked through my sorority to find a position for me in consulting which was helpful. My sorority in that way [for networking] was a very big help because even if I wasn't friends with the one hundred or so women in my sorority it was a great way for me to figure out who was doing what and who I could reach out to see what the interview process was like, set up time with people at certain firms that I could talk to, and hopefully get them to pull me from the pile for a consulting interview.

What does your day to day look like?

I'm an internal consultant...what that means is that instead of being an IBM consultant who consults for external companies, I consult for my own company, which is unusual I would say. It wasn't the position I initially applied for, so that was interesting, but I'm actually so grateful that I ended up in this position because I feel that I am learning a lot very quickly and doing truly impactful work to transform the company. Essentially my day to day involves working in a team with about ten other people on a particular internal project... everyone on the team has a different workstream so we all focus on accomplishing different things for our project. I love working in a team setting...I sit in a team room where we often use whiteboards and depending on the office we're in, I find myself working on couches and moving around a lot (vs. the typical cubicle environment I experienced in past internships). My hours really range from 8/9am to around 6/7:30pm, depending on what comes up that day. Personally, I am either on phone calls with our stakeholders, doing the proper research for my workstream, building powerpoints and presenting our work to our client, working on excel, or strategizing...often times we have team sessions where we strategize, and that is my favorite part of the job.

Biggest Challenge?

This is probably the case in any industry but I think when you start consulting there's a lot of growing pains only because they really throw you in automatically. My first day on the job I was doing high level strategy work when I knew little about the organization (laughs) so you have to learn very quickly. I'd say that was one of my biggest challenges... just jumping in, feeling comfortable with myself, and kind of getting over the imposter syndrome which you're bound to have at any job. This feeling of... I just came out of college, I didn't go to business school, I don't know the terms being thrown around and yet I'm presenting to these high level executives, who am I to be doing this? And I think once I got over that feeling my job became a lot easier because there was less pressure on myself and I had more confidence in my work.

Where do you think your ambition comes from?

I feel like it's something I've always had. I think it's partly because I grew up that way, I'm the oldest child and only daughter and I always wanted to run things and boss my brothers around I guess (laughs). Some people wouldn't call it bossy they'd just call it being a leader. Ambition is something I have always had and I think my parents were also a big driver in that. They were always involved in accomplishing something and they very much clued me in on their work. I wanted to be that business person or that activist from when I was younger, so I would say that is where my ambition came from.

How do you manage a work-life balance?

Truthfully, I think for me work has been easier to manage than college only because my workload in college was so overwhelming and there really wasn't a stop. If I didn't stop myself from working in college and say, “okay I know it's a weekend but I need to stop studying,” then I would continue to study until no end. But whereas in work it's very much like, “okay the day is ending stop your work and we'll continue tomorrow,” or “it's the weekend take a break.” I'm also very lucky to have a great team of people who value a work-life balance and that's not the case everywhere. It's been great actually and the people I work with, luckily, are also a part of making that balance happen. We go out for dinner and there's a fun aspect to it too; we have happy hour sometimes with my practice, so work adds to my life as well.

How does it feel being a working woman in the community?

How do I feel about it? I think mixed emotions. The general thing I would say is I've learned to embrace and be proud of what I'm doing. What I mean by that is, I found if you prejudge in your head and say, “people are not going to understand what I'm doing” or “not many women in our community can relate to me” and you make all of those generalizations, then you end up feeling almost like you can't really express yourself. Or you can't explain what your working on... you'd rather just respond when asked, “I'm working in Manhattan,” instead of accurately describing your career and being proud of it. And it's better to give (and we're generalizing here because everyone in our community is different), but to give people a chance and say maybe not everyone is going to understand my ambition, not everyone's going to understand what I'm working on but at least I could be proud of it and whoever gets it, gets it and whoever is curious is curious and whoever neglects it neglects it. And I think also, it is very important that when you find someone who is a partner for you, it's so important that they're your biggest supporter. I know that sounds cliche but that's the most important thing because they're the person along with your friends and your parents that are going to be rooting for you along the way and reminding you that you’re doing something you love. I think in terms of being a woman in the community and having to face a lot of the traditional stereotypes that comes with it...I think that's changing. Maybe it's not changing in the masses but it is changing and I think we have to have examples of people doing what they want to do in life, whatever it is, whether it's teaching yoga or becoming an editor. You have to have those examples because that's what allows people, and particularly women in our community, to pursue their passions...seeing others who have done it before.  And I think that's happening...all of us women who are doing what we love or trying to do so should be very proud of that. We need a stage for young working women to say although we recognize that there will be challenges as we grow and go through life, those challenges don't matter right now, you don't necessarily have to think about the myriad of challenges you might face in the future when you're in an entry level job, and scare yourself before you even hit the ground running.

Piece of advice?

I would say more general advice I wish I gave to myself is to feel very comfortable with rejection in the process of applying for a job and in your career. What I mean by that is, until the point that you're applying for jobs, you're very used to experiencing acceptance...for example you submit a paper and you receive a grade in return. You work on a team project and everyone gets to say something when presenting. This realization, facing rejection, hit me hard when both applying for consulting and also now that I am working in consulting... it’s just not the same experience as being in school your whole life. First, you deal with a lot of rejection in interviews. You may not even know why you didn’t get the job and it can be very frustrating. And then when you finally get on the job you’re dealing with a client, and that client is not always going to be happy...you may have to deal with them saying you did this wrong, or redo this, and you may not always get credit for the work you do. So my advice would be to feel comfortable with rejection in anything you pursue. It’s very important and it's definitely something I need to continue to learn.